sekreuz "ｓｅｔｚ" trenkel navarus (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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fictionalized2013-11-16 01:44 am
defriends) wrote in fictionalized2013-11-16 01:44 am
fanfic; disappear
Title: Disappear
Series: Crepuscule
Character(s): Carne, Setz, mentions of Nil.
Warnings: Spoilers for Crepuscule.
Summary: Because she was the princess and he was her prince—but sometimes, the prince needs saving too, or the princess isn't saved in time, or there is no happily ever after.
—
Disappear
—
"Your failings are too great. Even without my doing, you'll disappear on your own."
—
She was always looking for someone to be loved by.
First it was her mother—her mother, who ignored her existence at best and belittled her at worst. Her mother, who was never happy at any point she could recall, and yet whom she loved with all her heart.
(All she wanted was for a bit of that love to be returned—why was that so much to ask for?)
And then there was Setz: kind, gentle Setz, who in Carne's eyes was perfect. Certainly, she didn't miss how something in him died over the years, how he came to stop smiling and began to look at her with empty eyes—but he never stopped being kind to her in a way that her mother never was.
It didn't matter what the other students said about him: that he was cold and unapproachable, that it was no wonder he didn't have any friends. To Carne, he was the greatest warmth of her life. No matter how he was—even if he would never smile again—he was everything.
Carne had no knowledge of the sun, which was merely a relic of the past, but if she did, then her love for Setz would eclipse even its light. Greater than her love for her mother, greater than anything she'd known—what she did know, more than anything else, was that she wanted nothing but to by his side for the rest of their lives.
(And maybe, just maybe—he loved her back as well?)
(She didn't realize that, one day, this love would be her end.)
—
"I was fine without you."
—
He was always looking for someone to be needed by.
Carne had always been the only one—the sole person to make him feel like he actually belonged in this world. She never told him it was his fault, never that he was useless, an existence that could easily be forgotten. It was only around her when he felt grounded (for a world with such few residents, why did he feel that it was still too large for him?) and that he wouldn't merely fade into obscurity. She was the only one who needed him, and for that, he needed her in return.
(He had no idea just how much she truly needed him.)
He knew that he didn't love her. When something had been taken from him while growing up, his capacity for such a thing had been stolen as well. She was a friend, family, a part of his life that his world revolved around (that allowed his world to even revolve in the first place)—
But he didn't love her. Not in that way, at least.
Even so, it didn't matter. They were engaged; they would marry out of an arrangement, spend the rest of their lives together, and Setz was entirely fine with that. He wanted her by his side—needed her there with him. He didn't want to imagine a world without her.
(In some ways, he was just using her and he hated himself for it.)
(If he'd known how it was going to end, he would've done everything in his power to fall in love with her.)
—
"As a monster, you'll have to live your whole life alone!"
—
She was a monster.
She was disgusting. An abomination, a threat, and "I'm afraid of myself—!"
She wanted to run away from it all (even Setz, no, she didn't want to leave Setz—but if he knew, then—she would rather run than have him tell her "I always hated you") and Nil offered her a way. A means to escape from everything, even if she could never run from the abnormality that was her own being. If nothing else, she couldn't dare face Setz—not when she was like this.
He would call her a monster, and even if she knew it to be true, hearing it from him would shatter her.
(There was still a chance—a chance that he liked her. She had to believe that.)
No, she decided. She would never tell him.
—
"You actually know it, don't you!? That you're a monster!"
—
He was a monster.
He was a being that should never have been born. A freak, a burden, and "You don't need to live in hiding—"
(But Angela was wrong, because he did—he knew all too well the consequences of others knowing about him.)
He didn't know what he wanted. He wanted to tell someone, to relieve himself of this secret and lie that he had to live with; he wanted no one else to ever know and to never give them a chance to call him a monster the way Nil had. Then he hated himself for wanting anything at all, when he remembered the mess he'd made of everything, and yet then couldn't help but wish that he'd never been born.
And Quz was wrong too, because nothing was all right—and Setz had to keep on pretending that everything was. That he wasn't a monster.
(As much as he hated it, Nil was right, when he said that Setz knew it to be true.)
And Carne—oblivious Carne who thought Nil to be the greatest friend she ever had—knew nothing, and if Setz had his way, she would never know.
—
"This is all you are, after all."
—
It hurt.
It'd hurt every time her mother rejected her, certainly, but never like this. This was a suffocating pain that threatened to swallow her whole (and she wished it would, if it would end this all—she didn't want to live anymore).
In the end, not even Setz liked her.
(She really was the monster Nil claimed her to be—despised by everyone and loved by no one.)
In that moment, she wanted nothing more to disappear.
—
"I really do feel sorry—so much that I can't stand it."
—
He was numb.
Again, he wondered at what point did he become this dead inside—when the pain dulled to an ache that would never disappear, but in spite of that, one that he could ignore as he went on with his life. It was a life that Carne was no longer a part of and a life that he'd taken from her, and yet it was all too easy to act as if nothing had happened.
And yet, even so, he didn't cry. He didn't get angry. He did nothing but simply what was expected of him (everything except mourning, because he didn't even know how to anymore—yet another thing that had faded from him over the years).
(It really was disgusting of him.)
The moments ticked by, and he never forgot.
—
"We're engaged. But even if we weren't, I would still want to look at the sky with you, walk with you, hold hands, and lean on your shoulder."
—
And it's too late (even if he didn't love her in that way, he still loved her but she's not here anymore) to tell her—
"I would never have abandoned you."
Series: Crepuscule
Character(s): Carne, Setz, mentions of Nil.
Warnings: Spoilers for Crepuscule.
Summary: Because she was the princess and he was her prince—but sometimes, the prince needs saving too, or the princess isn't saved in time, or there is no happily ever after.
—
She was always looking for someone to be loved by.
First it was her mother—her mother, who ignored her existence at best and belittled her at worst. Her mother, who was never happy at any point she could recall, and yet whom she loved with all her heart.
(All she wanted was for a bit of that love to be returned—why was that so much to ask for?)
And then there was Setz: kind, gentle Setz, who in Carne's eyes was perfect. Certainly, she didn't miss how something in him died over the years, how he came to stop smiling and began to look at her with empty eyes—but he never stopped being kind to her in a way that her mother never was.
It didn't matter what the other students said about him: that he was cold and unapproachable, that it was no wonder he didn't have any friends. To Carne, he was the greatest warmth of her life. No matter how he was—even if he would never smile again—he was everything.
Carne had no knowledge of the sun, which was merely a relic of the past, but if she did, then her love for Setz would eclipse even its light. Greater than her love for her mother, greater than anything she'd known—what she did know, more than anything else, was that she wanted nothing but to by his side for the rest of their lives.
(And maybe, just maybe—he loved her back as well?)
(She didn't realize that, one day, this love would be her end.)
"I was fine without you."
—
He was always looking for someone to be needed by.
Carne had always been the only one—the sole person to make him feel like he actually belonged in this world. She never told him it was his fault, never that he was useless, an existence that could easily be forgotten. It was only around her when he felt grounded (for a world with such few residents, why did he feel that it was still too large for him?) and that he wouldn't merely fade into obscurity. She was the only one who needed him, and for that, he needed her in return.
(He had no idea just how much she truly needed him.)
He knew that he didn't love her. When something had been taken from him while growing up, his capacity for such a thing had been stolen as well. She was a friend, family, a part of his life that his world revolved around (that allowed his world to even revolve in the first place)—
But he didn't love her. Not in that way, at least.
Even so, it didn't matter. They were engaged; they would marry out of an arrangement, spend the rest of their lives together, and Setz was entirely fine with that. He wanted her by his side—needed her there with him. He didn't want to imagine a world without her.
(In some ways, he was just using her and he hated himself for it.)
(If he'd known how it was going to end, he would've done everything in his power to fall in love with her.)
"As a monster, you'll have to live your whole life alone!"
—
She was a monster.
She was disgusting. An abomination, a threat, and "I'm afraid of myself—!"
She wanted to run away from it all (even Setz, no, she didn't want to leave Setz—but if he knew, then—she would rather run than have him tell her "I always hated you") and Nil offered her a way. A means to escape from everything, even if she could never run from the abnormality that was her own being. If nothing else, she couldn't dare face Setz—not when she was like this.
He would call her a monster, and even if she knew it to be true, hearing it from him would shatter her.
(There was still a chance—a chance that he liked her. She had to believe that.)
No, she decided. She would never tell him.
"You actually know it, don't you!? That you're a monster!"
—
He was a monster.
He was a being that should never have been born. A freak, a burden, and "You don't need to live in hiding—"
(But Angela was wrong, because he did—he knew all too well the consequences of others knowing about him.)
He didn't know what he wanted. He wanted to tell someone, to relieve himself of this secret and lie that he had to live with; he wanted no one else to ever know and to never give them a chance to call him a monster the way Nil had. Then he hated himself for wanting anything at all, when he remembered the mess he'd made of everything, and yet then couldn't help but wish that he'd never been born.
And Quz was wrong too, because nothing was all right—and Setz had to keep on pretending that everything was. That he wasn't a monster.
(As much as he hated it, Nil was right, when he said that Setz knew it to be true.)
And Carne—oblivious Carne who thought Nil to be the greatest friend she ever had—knew nothing, and if Setz had his way, she would never know.
"This is all you are, after all."
—
It hurt.
It'd hurt every time her mother rejected her, certainly, but never like this. This was a suffocating pain that threatened to swallow her whole (and she wished it would, if it would end this all—she didn't want to live anymore).
In the end, not even Setz liked her.
(She really was the monster Nil claimed her to be—despised by everyone and loved by no one.)
In that moment, she wanted nothing more to disappear.
"I really do feel sorry—so much that I can't stand it."
—
He was numb.
Again, he wondered at what point did he become this dead inside—when the pain dulled to an ache that would never disappear, but in spite of that, one that he could ignore as he went on with his life. It was a life that Carne was no longer a part of and a life that he'd taken from her, and yet it was all too easy to act as if nothing had happened.
And yet, even so, he didn't cry. He didn't get angry. He did nothing but simply what was expected of him (everything except mourning, because he didn't even know how to anymore—yet another thing that had faded from him over the years).
(It really was disgusting of him.)
The moments ticked by, and he never forgot.
"We're engaged. But even if we weren't, I would still want to look at the sky with you, walk with you, hold hands, and lean on your shoulder."
—
And it's too late (even if he didn't love her in that way, he still loved her but she's not here anymore) to tell her—
"I would never have abandoned you."